Much Ado about a Nubbin
by circlegirl
Summary: Chandler thought he was rid of his third nipple for good. Little did he know that it was no ordinary third nipple...
1. It's Baaaack!

**Much Ado about a Nubbin**

**Author's Note:** Hi. This is my first fic on here. This idea came to me after I watched "The One With Phoebe's Husband". This might be a tad weird.

**Disclaimer**- I'll say it each time; the characters aren't mine.

_His mind was so fuzzy. Light and dark undulated and swirled violently in his eyes. He felt pain both sharp and dull, deep within and on his skin. His mind tried to clear, then gave up, then tried again. During its attempts, he tried to tell where the pain was coming from. Chest. Eye. Somewhere between his legs. He gave up trying to find the location of the pain. He wished to be nothing again, but the urges to regain full and immediate consciousness proved to be annoying._

"_Do not resist, Chandler Bing," a voice commanded._

I'm trying not to, really_, Chandler thought._

"_Just a few moments more, Chandler. Now let yourself go to sleep," a female voice said._

_The swirls of light, dark, and colors soon blended into a gray sea. Before he slipped from the last toehold of consciousness, the female voice said, "Now keep this attached, Chandler. I don't want to have to come all the way here and replace this again." A sharp pain in his chest followed, and he was out._

Chandler Bing forced his eyes to open to see the morning daylight on the ceiling. The Coca-Cola clock on the wall told him it was almost noon, and yet he was still sleepy after more than a full night's sleep. He didn't feel like he had a good night, either; his head and body ached. He was just about to surrender to the drowsiness when he caught the smell of Monica's blueberry pancakes from the kitchen. That got him moving. He pushed himself out of the bed and shuffled into the bathroom. He turned on the light and faced the mirror to see the familiar frazzled hair, facial features, and body. After splashing his face, his eye caught something in the mirror. He stared at it in disbelief. _That can't be there_, he thought. _It just couldn't possibly be there._ He felt it with his fingers and looked down at his own body. Sure enough, it was really there. With eyes wide with shock, he threw open the bathroom door and shouted, "It's back! It grew back!"

Monica ran in to see Chandler pointing at his chest and asked, "What's back?"

"The third nipple I had sliced off! It's back!" Chandler shouted.

**Author's Note: **How is this so far? Are you intrigued? Please leave a review!


	2. Nubbin to Worry About, Yet

**Chapter 2 of Much Ado about a Nubbin**

**A Note:** Yay! I have a handful of reviews already! Thank you for reviewing; you made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside! For those who are wondering, this takes place in the 9th season. Ross is single, Joey is infatuated with Rachel, and Phoebe is with Mike.

**A 2nd Note: **Sorry it took so long to put this up; I had Internet problems.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own the "Friends" characters.

Monica ran in to see Chandler pointing at his chest and asked, "What's back?"

"The third nipple I had sliced off! It's back!" Chandler shouted and pointed to his newfound third nipple, which was centered between his other nipples.

"Oh my God, it is!" Monica said with a surprised chuckle. She stared at it, oblivious to the dripping spatula she held. "How long has it been there?"

Chandler looked at her for a second. "Well, judging by my current state of shock at having recently discovered it, I'd say thirty years," he replied wryly.

Monica gave him a slightly annoyed look, and then studied the third nipple. "So this just popped up last night, more than five years after you got rid of the first one?"

"Yeah," Chandler nodded. "So why is it back now?" He watched Monica's fingers squeeze it as if it was a pimple, and then he noticed a growing puddle of melted butter on the floor below Monica's spatula. "And how did it grow back so fast? I mean, yesterday there was nothing there and you didn't notice it when we were 'doing it' last night, but now, suddenly it's all there, red circle and everything!"

"You mean the areola," Monica corrected him. "Well, it doesn't look or feel any different from your other ones," she said, feeling his regular nipples. "It's probably just as harmless as the first one you had."

"And probably just as useless as the other two, so you can stop trying to milk me," Chandler replied. Monica stopped feeling his nipple and smiled apologetically. "But it isn't supposed to be there! The doctor assured me that my third nipple wouldn't grow back after he cut it off, and yet here it is!"

"Well, that just shows how much he knew," Monica said dryly. "So you proved the doctor was wrong. I'm glad one of us was able to do that." She looked down sadly and sighed. Chandler immediately put his arm around her, knowing that she was thinking about their fertility doctor. He watched her sad eyes and forcefully bit his tongue. _Just great, Bing; you just have to remind her of her infertility when you know all too well that she's still upset about it,_ he mentally scolded himself. Before he could apologize, Monica suddenly noticed the spatula in her hand and remembered the pancakes simmering on the stove.

"Oh my God, the pancakes!" she gasped. She whirled around, sprinkling Chandler with melted butter, and raced to the stove. "Why didn't you say something?"

Chandler watched her frantically flip the pancakes and grabbed some napkins. "Sorry, Mon. I'm just freaked out about this third nipple," he said, wiping some butter off of it. He grabbed a few more napkins and covered the puddle of butter on the floor. "What does it mean? What do I do with it?" He bent over to pick up a saturated napkin and froze. "And why is there a nipple on this napkin?" he asked incredulously, staring at it. The napkin had soaked up the puddle, producing a startling resemblance to the unexpected addition to his chest.

Monica stopped flipping pancakes to look at the napkin and chuckled. "Because you're making too much of this, Chandler," she replied, picking up the napkin and throwing it away. "It's not that big a deal. Maybe it's there because your body's aging, I don't know. But whatever it is, I'm fine with it. Three pancakes?" She held his plate over the pan and looked at him.

"Yeah, three's fine," he said. He watched as she made a short, tidy stack of pancakes in the center of the plate and then drew a big flower on top with blueberry syrup. "You're really fine with this thing?" He pointed to the third nipple as he sat in his kitchen chair.

She put his plate at his end of the table and kissed his forehead. "Hey, as long as there's not a breast attached to it, I'm happy," she said as Joey came in.

"A breast attached to what?" Joey asked. He leered at the pancakes until Monica served him some, and then sat down at the table.

"Her chicken," Chandler answered, crossing his arms over his nipples. He felt self-conscious and stood up to go to his room.

"Why? I love your chicken breasts," Joey said between bites, gazing at Monica.

She smiled at him. "Thank you, Joey, but I was talking about Chandler. His third nipple is back."

Chandler threw his arms wide open in indignant shock. "Hey! Why does he have to know? Stop outing me! Leave this one in the closet!" he cried and covered the extra nipple with his hand.

"Chandler, you don't have a shirt on. He'd notice it anyway," Monica replied and got the chocolate milk out of the fridge and poured some in a glass.

"It's Joey," Chandler said with a knowing glance at him.

Monica sighed and said, "Okay, well, the others would notice it then." She handed the chocolate milk to Chandler. "Here you go. Now sit down and eat those before they get cold. I'll get you a shirt." She walked briskly to their room.

Chandler sat down and started eating his pancakes quickly. He didn't realize how hungry he was. After several bites, he noticed Joey staring at him with a confused look on his face. "What? Is there pancake on my chest?" he asked wryly.

"No, but dude, why'd you get that reattached?" Joey said, pointing to the extra nipple.

Chandler rolled his eyes and said, "I didn't. It just grew back on its own last night."

"Weird," Joey replied. "Are they supposed to do that?"

Chandler shrugged. "I don't know." Monica walked in and gave him a blue shirt. He thanked her and put it on. "Now can we stop talking about this? I don't want to share this with everyone else. It was bad enough the first time." He remembered how it seemed like an eternity before the others tired of teasing him about the first third nipple.

"Fine with me," Monica replied with a hint of relief as she cleaned up the stovetop.

"Okay," Joey mumbled through a mouthful of pancake.

Chandler chewed silently for a while and watched Joey inhale his pancake. He wondered if Joey was over Rachel like he said he was, or if he was lying to make things normal between them. "So Joe, that crush on Rachel is really gone, huh?" he asked.

"Oh yeah, that's gone," Joey agreed with a little too much confidence. "That's gone with the wind, baby. That's sleeping with the fishes. Water under the bridge. That's yesterday's news, spilled milk, the whole enchilada. That crush has kicked the bucket the whole nine yards. It bought the farm and it's on the midnight train to Georgia."

"Okay, okay, I get it. You're over her," Chandler said loudly. Joey stopped babbling to look at him. "Lay off the maple syrup, man."

"Damn right, I'm over her," Joey stated dramatically.

"Good for you," Chandler replied. Joey went back to inhaling pancakes, but stared forlornly off into space. _Well, that answers that question,_ Chandler thought.

Monica turned to him and mouthed, "Is he really?" Chandler shook his head. She gave Joey a sympathetic look and asked him, "Would you like more pancakes? I've got a ton of batter left."

Joey stopped chewing thoughtfully and said, "No, but thanks, Mon. I've got a long day of DOOL to get ready for. Dr. Drake Ramoray gets to make out with Rachel for a whole day before she dies, so she'll die a happy woman." He continued chewing while Monica and Chandler looked at each other, and then at him.

"Uh, don't you mean Renna?" Chandler asked.

"Yeah. Why? What'd I say?" Joey asked worriedly, looking at him and Monica.

"Wait a minute. Didn't Marco make Renna a happy woman?" Monica asked to distract him.

"No. Marco's the one that poisoned her," Joey replied. Monica gasped. Chandler drank his chocolate milk and wondered how long it would take Joey to truly get over Rachel.

As if on cue, Rachel came in with Emma in her arms. "Hey guys. Hey, Chandler, you finally got up! What took you so long?" she asked while Emma pointed at the last pancake.

"Bad night," he answered as Ross came in and greeted them.

"Oh," Rachel said, nodding. She noticed what Emma was pointing at and said in a high voice, "Oh, you want a pancake, sweetie? Do you?" Emma babbled happily, and Monica got out a bowl for her.

"Hey Rach, why don't you put her down and let her get it herself? Maybe she'll moonwalk over there," Ross said sarcastically.

Rachel sighed and said, "Ross, why can't you believe that she walked by herself? I know what I saw." She sat Emma in her high chair and Monica gave Emma a sippy cup full of chocolate milk.

"She isn't old enough to walk like a toddler yet, much less a ballerina," Ross scoffed.

"Wow, Emma's walking already?" Monica said incredulously, staring at her in happy awe.

"No, Rachel's hallucinating," Ross replied.

Rachel rolled her eyes. "I really did see her walk, you guys. I was sitting in Ross's place, and she was playing by the wall. Next thing I know, she gets up and just strides over to the window like this." Rachel walked gracefully to the couch and laid a hand on the edge. "And then she does this beautiful pirouette," she said and spun around gracefully, "and finally she came over to me."

"But not before doing the Russian Cossack dance," Ross dryly added.

Rachel ignored him and squealed, "My baby's gonna be a dancer!" She went over and kissed her daughter's forehead.

"That's great, Rach! See, I told you that she took after you more," Joey said, beaming at her. Rachel smiled back, making Ross look a little uneasy.

"Well, she has half my DNA, so the Geller in her is going to kick in sometime, whether you like it or not," Ross said to Rachel with a smirk. Rachel all but stuck her tongue out at him, and he added, "And she is not old enough to walk yet. She can name 5 different species of dinosaurs, but she can't dance."

Rachel put her arms out in front of her chest with her fists clenched to give the 'Geller finger', but she stopped when she noticed that Emma's face needed wiping. "Oh Emma, you really like Aunt Monica's pancakes, don't you?" she cooed and grabbed a napkin.

Emma laughed and said, "Nipple!"

Chandler choked on his chocolate milk. "Wha...What did she say?" he sputtered. He looked down at his shirt to see if his third nipple showed, but the shirt was loose enough to hide it.

"Oh yeah, that's her word for napkin. I don't know why," Rachel said and wiped Emma's face.

"I think I know why," Ross said and glared at Joey, who was giggling. Rachel glared at him and opened her mouth to yell when the door swung open. A concerned Mike walked in, holding a yellow piece of paper.

After everyone greeted him, he asked, "Has any of you seen Phoebe yet?" The others shook their heads. Rachel noticed the worried look on his face and asked, "What's wrong, Mike?"

Mike gulped and said, "She's gone."

Monica walked over to him and said, "She's probably at work, Mike."

Mike shook his head fervently and said, "No, I called there. She hasn't checked in this morning. I'm saying that she's gone. She left me." He held up the sheet of paper, which had Phoebe's handwriting on it.

Everyone got up and stared at him in disbelief. Chandler looked down his shirt at his third nipple. He'd have to do something about that later.

* * *

**A Note: **So there's the second chapter. Is it too long? Please review! 


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